Paint the Town Red at Zombies of the Corn

PHOTO BY KRISTY GRAVER

Having trouble getting into the Halloween spirit? Pelting zombies with paintballs is a sure-fire way to cure spooky seasonal depression.

Each fall since 2013, Three Rivers Paintball Park in Freedom transforms into Zombies of the Corn, a haunted attraction that allows visitors to be heroes, not helpless victims.

When the sun goes down, modified wagons take groups of 24 people at a time through a wooded area teeming with flesh-hungry ghouls. Each rider is armed with a stationary marker and 120 paintballs, which are gelatin capsules filled with a non-caustic, water-soluble liquid. Ultra-violent lights illuminate the splatter.

The undead are outfitted in multiple layers of high-grade protective equipment that enable them to take hit after hit. By the end of the night, they look like Day-Glo Jackson Pollock paintings.

Ryan and Debra Krischke, who’ve owned the facility for 43 years, employ 80 to 100 moving targets every season.

“For many teens, it’s their first job — turns out ‘zombie’ looks great on a resume,” Debra explains. “Over 60% of our cast returns each year, which says a lot about our family culture and values. We also love our retirees who join us to get out of the house and sling hot cider.”

One of the longest-running paintball operations in the country, the 70-acre facility is located in a rural area about 30 miles outside of Pittsburgh. Navigating those winding, moonlit roads really sets the October mood.

Even if you don’t want to be a yinzer Rambo, Zombies of the Corn offers other forms of autumnal bliss, including bonfires, monster movie screenings, spooky storytellers, fire-breathers, a kid-friendly maze, a 3D fun house and killer refreshments. I think a zombie corn roast would be a nice addition.

Before you call it a night, be sure to consult Skel-Tar the Wise, a soothsaying plastic skull that will answer any question like a macabre ChatGPT.

Who needs braaains when you have artificial intelligence?