PHOTO BY KRISTY GRAVER

In my house, Christmas is less about comfort and joy and more about threats and intimidation.

We’re only a few days into December and I’ve already shouted “Santa doesn’t bring presents to naughty kids!” at least 1,000 times. After each outburst, my daughter gives me an apathetic stare and goes back to doing evil deeds.

St. Nick is obsolete when Grandma passes out gifts year-round without regard to behavioral status. 

This is why I love Krampus.

According to European folklore, Krampus is a demonic creature who, during the holiday season, eats insolent children like some kind of cannibalistic Ebenezer Scrooge. Since the 1800s, Europeans have exchanged Krampus cards to make the yuletide slay.

Krampus is a cloven-hoofed, devil-horned superstar with a backstory that could be mistaken for Slayer lyrics, more swagger than Tim Curry in “Legend” and a tongue that would make Gene Simmons jealous. And, unlike his milk-chugging counterpart, a preference for schnapps! Can we get this guy a permanent photo stand at the mall?! 

PHOTO TAKEN AT SCAREHOUSE

Every Dec. 5, folks celebrate Krampusnacht by dressing up like the hairy beast and going on drunken rampages through cities across the globe (including Pittsburgh)! That is officially the most awesome thing a group of people can do!! It’s like Horror Realm meets Anthrocon! Of course, I was sick that night and missed the eighth annual Krampi invasion of Market Square. 

I need to invest in a Krampus costume so I can wear it once a month and call myself “Crampus”.

PHOTO COURTESY OF PENN BREWERY

This year’s event was sponsored by Penn Brewery, which is owned by Austria-born Stefan Nitsch. For years, the North Side brewery has released St. Nikolaus Bock, a malty tribute to the jolly old elf. This month, Penn debuted its new Sleigher Krampus Band Black IPA. Sleigher is a musical act that dresses like hairy goat men and sings heavy metal Christmas carols. OK, THAT is officially the most awesome thing a group of people can do.

Sleigher’s Twisted Christmas Holiday Party will be held at Lawrenceville’s Thunderbird Music Hall on Dec. 16. 

That same day, Krampus and “Punk Santa” will be at Dr. Tumblety’s Time-Inspired Specialty Shop in Allentown for an alternative holiday photo shoot from noon to 7 p.m. The demonic Kodak moments will take place inside Dr. T’s hidden speakeasy, The Storyville Lounge, one of our Best of the Burgh staff picks! 

Other breweries are getting into the evil spirit as well. Bloomfield’s Trace Brewing will hold its inaugural A Very Merry Krampus Market, a family-friendly shopping event from 5 to 10 p.m. on Dec. 18.

On Dec. 22 from 6 to 10 p.m., Necromancer Brewing Co. in Ross is hosting The Night Before Krampus craft fair where you can find last-minute gifts from local vendors while you get flash tattoos and watch drag performances. 

Damn. That’s pretty awesome, too.