PHOTO COURTESY OF SHUBREW

Marching down Main Street in a Fourth of July parade while donning a chili dog costume and dispensing complimentary weenies to my fellow Americans is the most patriotic thing I’ve ever done.

I’ll be hotdogging it again (with relish!) this Saturday at Zelienople’s 61st Annual Horse Trading Days festival.

PHOTO BY KRISTY GRAVER

Zachary and Erika Shumaker, the owners of ShuBrew, a brewery and restaurant that opened in the borough in 2013, invited me to be Chili Millie, the chili dog in their illustrious Condiment Crew. After hyping up crowds on Independence Day, Ketchup Karen (Missy Ramirez), Mustard Marvin (Brad Parrish) Ricky Relish (Joel Reiter) and I will be back on July 19 for a hot dog-eating contest and mascot race.

I can barely run when I’m not weighed down by a weiner and humid weather, but there’s a chance I might get to fire a hot dog cannon, so this might not be the wurst decision I ever made.

PHOTO BY KRISTY GRAVER

Before we haul our buns to the finish line, the Condiment Crew will be roaming Zelienople to pass out grub, pose for photos and alert folks to the hot dog-eating contest happening at high noon on the ShuBrew Main Stage. Down at least 20 dogs (and buns!) in 10 minutes and you could walk away with $1,000.

Need to practice? Well, it’s National Hot Dog Day and Sheetz is giving them away, so that’s a good place to start. Through July 22, customers who purchase a minimum of 10 gallons of any fuel grade in a single transaction get two free dogz. For the record, the Wienermobile has a 30-gallon tank.

PHOTO BY KRISTY GRAVER

You are what you eat, so I recommend hitting some of Pittsburgh’s mom-and-pop shops, including Frankie’s Extra Long, a Lawrenceville institution since 1949, and the new kid on the block Dad’s Dog & Burger in Bloomfield.

Allentown’s Bottlerocket Social Hall’s Cowboy Killer with Nashville hot ranch, onion straws and jalapeños is hotter than my body temperature inside of that Chili Millie costume. Poetry Lounge in Millvale has a mean Muffuletta Dog that’s so tasty, you’ll want to write a sonnet about it. And while Yinzer Dogs’ first brick-and-mortar eatery in Cranberry doesn’t open until August, you should add it to your list of local links.

Maybe next July, instead of marching in the heat to celebrate America, Chili Millie can make a splash on Ohio resident Conner Sonnenberg’s hot dog boat, the Edmund Glizzgerald.