The Savvy Yinzer’s Guide To: Divine Football Intervention

If the angels aren’t paying breathless attention to a bunch of beefy guys galloping around a football field in the snow, what the heck are they good for? The truly devoted fan isn’t above petitioning supernatural help from idle and sympathetic deities far and wide. So consider:

Say a novena to Saint Luigi Scrosoppi (1804-1884), considered to be the patron saint of football players. He promoted virtues like fairness, discipline and patience, and also founded the Sisters of Providence (who aren’t above floating a C-note on a sure game). Luigi was only canonized in 2001, so he’s probably looking for stuff to do.

If Luigi is busy, knock on Saint Sebastian’s door. He’s the patron saint of athletes but also of protection from the Plague, which is what a losing season often feels like. For a boost of divine intercession before your pre-game party, bury a small statue of Sebastian upside-down under a heap of cheesy nachos.

The Buddha suggests, “Enjoy the game, but do not become the game.” When fans anchor their happiness to a specific team winning, they invite disappointment. The Vinaya Pitaka prohibits monks and nuns from attending, viewing or engaging in public games, which are considered distractions from spiritual life. So don’t wear your Steelers jersey to temple.

The Wiccan priestess has specific instructions for Pittsburgh fans. In the shadow of Acrisure Stadium (formerly Heinz Field, or, as she calls it, the Orb of Ketchup Energy):
➊ To cleanse your Terrible Towel of residual negativity, fold it seven times and smudge it with sage to remove the psychic debris of last week’s red-zone fiasco.
➋ Place pierogies at the four cardinal directions and set them afire.
➌ Face Northwest (toward Cleveland) and say, “By the power of three rivers may we conquer, so mote it be.”
➍ Wash your Terrible Towel, but not in Tide. The universe prefers Woolite.