Tom Green’s Eight Great Tweets

His Twitter bio reads that he’s addicted to the social-media outlet, and Green’s fanbase of more than 60,000 followers certainly fuel his twitch. All hail his list of nit-twit tweets.

1. Just bought a monkey.

2. Drove past a giant electric flashing sign on Sunset Boulevard that says, “April is distracted drivers month.”

3. I’m getting my spinal cord removed, attaching four new limbs and becoming an Octopus. Meeting with plastic surgeons today.

4. Justin Bieber is my son.

5. Birds are basically just really small dogs with wings and feathers and beaks and legs with claws and scales that eat seeds. Basically.

6. I’m getting back together with my ex-wife Cameron Diaz.

7. I need help choosing a new logo for contest in the forum at! Yeah!

8. Happy Belated April Fool’s Day. Justin Bieber is not really my son. All the other stuff I tweeted is true.

Follow Tom Green @tomgreenlive. For details on winning a pair of tickets to see the Tom Green World Stand-Up Comedy Tour at the Improv in Homestead on Fri., April 15, like Pittsburgh Magazine on Facebook.