This Weekend is Picture-Perfect for Drinks and a Movie

With six films opening this weekend, how does one decide on what to see? Easy: What are you drinking?

As my one-man campaign to convince the world that film is an essential part of nightlife continues, I remind you once again that it is hot. It is very, very hot. Soon, it will be cooler, and you will crave all-night sessions at the wine bar, rediscovering tiny comedy clubs hidden in front of/behind/above/underneath bars, cool jazz in warm places, and the opportunity to actually dance again.

For now, it’s hot.

And I’m not kidding about my one-man campaign, either. Many people see the movie theater as a there-and-back-again destination, or (worse) a place to go with the family, but to me, a movie is an essential part of the night out. (This is, after all, why my PM column is filed under “Film & Nightlife.”) Maybe it’s just because I’m a cinephile, but there’s nothing I love more than a movie and drinks, a movie and dinner, whatever the case may be. The evening must be varied, and film is as fine a choice for building a night as comedy or music, to me.

And again, it’s hot. Movie theaters are air conditioned. Don’t think about it too much.

I’ve counted six new releases coming to Pittsburgh this weekend, an unusually high number. Here, then, a quick guide: what movie will you be seeing this weekend? As a bonus, what will you be drinking afterward?

You are: a book lover without enough time to read. You don’t tell your more literary friends, but more than one Amazon purchase has been made immediately after Oprah told you to do so. You were in a book club for a while, even, and loved it, but didn’t have time to keep up. Furthermore, you went to school for a non-practical major—something in the humanities, obviously, and perhaps even something with a saving-the-world edge to it. (At least you explained that you were going to save the world to many a bar companion during your senior year.) You have been known to cry at movies, occasionally in spite of yourself. You still have not admitted to weeping during The Blind Side.
You will be seeing: The Help, the highly anticipated adaptation of the acclaimed Kathryn Stockett novel. Emma Stone stars alongside Viola Davis and Octavia Spencer as three women from very different backgrounds exploring life and work along racial lines in the ’60s south. I generally enjoyed it and found it excellently put together and performed—if at times cloying and desperate for your tears. In any case, a finely made film.
You will be drinking: Something with sweet tea vodka, or a mint julep if you’re daring. Do not ape a southern accent, even after several rounds.
 Watch the trailer
 

You are: a current resident (but not native) of Lawrenceville, Bloomfield or anywhere within striking distance of East Liberty. Your record collection stops abruptly at about 1995, then picks up with a vengeance in 2007 or so. You have walked down at least one city street, without irony, holding a boom box on your shoulder. You have lived in Brooklyn, intend to move to Brooklyn or tell people that you are from Brooklyn (even though you’re really from Wexford.) You drink beer on a nightly basis, but are unfamiliar with the taste of Bud Light. In high school, your clothing choices never varied, but you now spend more time accessorizing than you do sleeping.
You will be seeing: Beats, Rhymes & Life: The Travels of A Tribe Called Quest. The raved-about documentary finally gets a Pittsburgh screening starting this weekend at Regent Square. All kidding aside, even if you have only a passing familiarity with the seminal ’90s hip-hop outfit, you should make it out for this one.
You will be drinking: One or more microbrews with a play on the word “hop” in the name. You will act like you are very familiar with all of them.
Watch the trailer
 

You are: about fourteen years old. You have never participated in an organized team sport (at least not since Mom and Dad stopped making you). You have dabbled in one or more of the lively arts, but you have no practical performance/exhibition/publishing experience outside the walls of the junior high. Most of the music your friends are into does not really speak to you, but occasionally you get misty-eyed to a song your parents are playing in the car. You have literally squealed in delight on more than one occasion. Alternate: you are the parent, legal guardian, babysitter or reluctant older sibling of the aforementioned.
You will be seeing: Glee! The 3D Concert Movie. The film captures a live performance by the cast members, and is not part of the ultra-hit show’s storyline. The bright-faced young divas will perform songs that appeared in the series’ first and second seasons, from “Don’t Rain on my Parade” and “Silly Love Songs” to “I’m a Slave 4 U” and “Dog Days are Over.”
You will be drinking: Sierra Mist. You may or may not want to upgrade to a large for a quarter more.
Watch the trailer
 

You are: 18-35, urban or suburban, and have an undergraduate degree from a school that’s better than its party reputation (but, seriously, dude, the parties.) Your favorite movies are all comedies, but none of them were made before the turn of the century (except Ghostbusters.) You use the term “Apatow-esque” liberally. You were outraged that The Social Network did not win best picture, and believe it to be the defining film of your generation. It’s not among your favorite films, though, because it’s not a comedy. You spend a lot of time Tweeting “@” celebrities, but none have replied.
You will be seeing: 30 Minutes or Less, the new action-comedy starring Jesse Eisenberg and Aziz Ansari. Young Eisenberg plays a hapless pizza guy who’s forced to rob a bank by a pair of bumbling criminals in ape masks (Nick Swardson and Danny McBride, naturally.) This is director Ruben Fleischer’s sophomore effort, following the underrated Zombieland (also starring Eisenberg.)
You will be drinking: A wide variety of alcoholic beverages that do not go well together. Jager will be involved.
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You are: the owner of a horse, the frequent rider of a horse, the friend or parent of an owner of a horse, or a horse.
You will be seeing: Buck, the Sundance documentary about real-life horse whisperer Buck Brannaman.
You will be drinking: a cold, no-frills beer. Unless you are a horse, in which case, water.
Watch the trailer

You are: the owner of more than one piece of official Nightmare on Elm Street merchandise. You have been on a roller coaster with a very long list of safety warnings within the last six months. You have contemplated opening your own haunted house. You are very, very optimistic about the resurgence of 3D cinema. You have tickets to the upcoming Rob Zombie/Slayer show at Stage AE. There was a six-month period of your life when you drank very large energy drinks more frequently than you drank water. In high school, you owned a comically large black coat for a time.
You will be seeing: Final Destination 5, the latest entry in the surprisingly leggy series based on a discarded "X-Files" script. This effort, the second to be filmed in 3D, will once again follow a group of young people who narrowly escape death, only to have it come back for them in preposterously elaborate and/or gruesome ways. If you’re a fan, come early and often; producers have promised to extend the series as far as FD7 if this one’s a success.
You will be drinking: Red Bull and vodka, out of a Gatorade bottle, while hiking in the dark for no clearly-defined reason.
Watch the trailer
 

You are: not accurately described by any of the above options.
You will be seeing: Rise of the Planet of the Apes, which you missed last weekend.
You will be drinking: hard to say, since I didn’t really typecast you at all. Let’s go with mojitos. Everybody loves mojitos.
Watch the trailer
 

Categories: After Dark