Jersey Shore Meets Buckhead Saloon

Get your GTL (gym, tan, laundry) in before getting your drink on: Jersey Shore cast-member Ronnie visits Buckhead Saloon on Thursday night.

Ronnie Ortiz, of MTV’s Jersey Shore, will make an appearance at Buckhead Saloon, Station Square, on Thursday night. Photo courtesy of Buckhead Saloon

Let’s talk, for a moment, about Jersey Shore.

Look at it this way: At least we’re not talking about Charlie Sheen.

The MTV phenomenon is little more than a carnival sideshow; we watch, stunned that beings this outlandish and ridiculous actually exist. They seem to operate in an alternate world, free of concerns and beyond the boundaries of taste and reason. It’s absurd that anyone was ever offended by the portrayal of Italian-Americans (and/or Jersey kids) on this show, as anyone with an IQ above that of a Dachshund can quickly discern that these individuals are representative of nothing but themselves.

This also explains why the Jersey Shore crew commands such attention and high appearance fees whenever they venture outside of the Garden State; people will turn up just to verify that these individuals can appear in the real world outside of the confines of basic cable.

Along those lines, Shore castmember Ronnie Ortiz—and I don’t want to say he’s one of the “lesser” cast members, but he doesn’t even have his own Wikipedia page—will make an appearance at Buckhead Saloon in Station Square on Thursday night.

Now, you may have picked up on my somewhat dismissive tone above. You might, accordingly, think that I’m not recommending you attend this event. Quite the opposite. This is definitely an event that you should attend.

First off, Buckhead is a perfectly acceptable Station Square joint—nothing to write home about, but spacious enough for a large group with plenty of room to dance if you’re so inclined. The last time I was there, Buckhead offered buckets of free peanuts, which is awesome. And in honor of Ortiz’s appearance, the bar will offer $1 vodka mixers and $2 Dos Equis bottles.

But really, I’m endorsing this event because it should be utterly hilarious. I hate to recommend that you go out (and pay a $10 cover, at that) solely to laugh at your fellow Pittsburghers … but, seriously, this is an excellent opportunity to go out and laugh at your fellow Pittsburghers.

There are plenty of ways to spice up this outing, too. If I may make some suggestions …

Count the number of young men who proudly display their abs while being photographed with Ortiz. Imitations of the famous, abdominally focused cast member Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino should abound. I’d put the over/under on ab exposures at 15—take bets with your friends! Bonus points if the displaying male does not, in fact, have visible abdominal muscles.

Discretely take photographs of the most egregious fake-tan disasters. Later, use Photoshop to create a rainbow of awkward skin tone from burnt sienna to Oompa-Loompa orange.

Try to pick out the fan who Ronnie will narrowly avoid a brawl with. Ortiz is currently under investigation for at least one Shore-related fight and has been repeatedly caught on tape several times as he nearly came to blows with an anonymous rival. Even his bio on MTV.com begins “Ronnie might find himself in a brawl or two … ” Will a ’Burgh-area youth provoke Ortiz’s anger management issues? Odds are high!

Distribute (fake) free passes for long-defunct Station Square clubs. Print up a 100 coupons with the Jersey Shore logo advertising free admission to Donzi’s after the event and see how many people you can get wandering around, confused and angry, in search of the place. I’ve been wanting to do this for years, and Ronnie is just a perfect excuse.

Please note that, for legal reasons, I do not actually recommend that you do any of the things that I just recommended that you do. And seriously, why not go dahn Buckhead for this one? It’s probably better than what you would’ve been doing at 10 p.m. on a Thursday night … sitting on the couch watching Jersey Shore, right? (Ronnie Ortiz of Jersey Shore at Buckhead Saloon, 225 W. Station Square Drive. $10. Info and Group Reservations: 412/232-3101, buckheadpittsburgh.com)