PHOTO BY MICHAEL RUBINO

As you know, Dolly Parton bought Kennywood.

OK: I know that isn’t literally what happened. Herschend Family Entertainment, the company that partners with the music icon to operate the Dollywood park in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, bought a package of theme parks from Parques Reunidos, the Madrid-based company that has owned Kennywood and its nearby sister parks since 2007.

But it’s much more concise (and fun) to simply say that Dolly Parton woke up one morning, tumbled out of bed, stumbled to the kitchen, poured herself a cup of ambition and decided to buy Kennywood.

I’m happy about this news. As an admirer of theme parks — they’re like the real world, but better — I’ve heard nothing but praise for Dollywood and another one of Herschend’s flagships, Missouri’s Silver Dollar City. Those parks are well-regarded for their live entertainment and thorough theming; I hope the new owners will keep what’s already working about our beloved parks and add some sensible improvements here and there.

What I really want, though: pirates.

Specifically, Pirates Voyage, a live dinner show also owned by Herschend. While I regrettably haven’t seen this spectacle myself, I’ve been fascinated for some time. At a location outside Dollywood and another in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, families and whimsical childless adults (that’s me) go for a circus-style evening of pirate action and water-adjacent hijinks. Over dinner — featuring “Swashbucklin’ Sugar-Cured Ham,” naturally — a loose narrative unfolds, Cirque du Soleil-style stunts are completed and there are presumably several hundred pirate puns.

For us Millennials: Yes, it’s basically Medieval Times, with the knights traded out for pirates. (An upgrade, to be honest.)

If you’re not sold, watch a short trailer for the Myrtle Beach location:

I love the frequency of excessive cartwheels. I love the skull-and-tentacles logo. I love the indoor pyrotechnics. I love everything about this.

My admiration for themed entertainment is completely unironic. I believe that the world needs more things to do that are brightly colored, exuberant and generally dazzling. If those activities are relatively family-friendly — I assume there is little to no keelhauling in the Pirates Voyage shows — so much the better.

So: Where would we host a Pirates Voyage in the area?

You may think that the actual rivers are a natural fit, but when death-defying stunts are involved, conditions need to be tightly controlled. (And we don’t want our poor pirates coming into frequent contact with the river water.) I also considered the lagoon at Kennywood, but it’s not big or deep enough, and building a giant auditorium with dinner service in the middle of the park might ruin the sightlines.

So here’s my pitch: The Sandcastle wave pool. I know that some people love it, but c’mon: Sandcastle is for the lazy river and the slides. Slap a pirate ship in that thing, build some seats and we’re in business.

It makes too much sense. We already have Pittsburgh Pirates — it’s a natural tie-in! You can make one underperforming Bucco walk the plank each week!

Dolly, please send us your pirates. I promise we’ll treat them well. Then, after we’ve become the northernmost city with a nightly piratical dinner show, we can talk about a certain other brand that Herschend owns.

I want the Harlem Globetrotters here all the time.