PHOTO: SHUTTERSTOCK

Discombobulated.

The first time I typed that, my spellcheck threw its judgy, red-lined hands up to alert me that even my slow-typing, sound-it-out thoughts didn’t help me put the letters in the right order.

Heck, maybe you just read it and your brain had to do a double-take to make sure you were thinking the right word after you read it.

It’s one of those words with a lot of letters and syllables that quite literally sounds like what the definition means and, at least for me, makes my mind have to work a little extra hard when writing or reading it.

It seems fitting that it’s the one I used to describe the way I felt in my therapy session last week.

There were not enough words or syllables to describe all the feelings I was feeling, and ones I was trying to use weren’t working. I was saying one thing but my brain went into its own red-line mode and was telling me I wasn’t getting any of it right. I had nothing but run-on sentences and a smorgasbord of disoriented thoughts on a platter for my therapist.

All of it felt strange as someone who typically goes into therapy in-tune with myself — having already “therapy-ed” myself.

I determine “the thing” that’s bothering me.

I do the deep-digging work to see if I can figure out what’s actually at the bottom of it.

I try to figure out how it might be serving me.

And I toss it out to my therapist and we have “aha” conversations about it.

But this time, I had none of that.  My seemingly non-stop attempts to try to figure it all out left me exhausted — and the discombobulation spilled out into our virtual-therapy screen in the same way it did when I tried to write it at the beginning of this article.

It was as uncomfortable for me in that moment as it has been lately to live in a constant state of it.

Seemingly every day I notice that things “look” the same but don’t “feel” the same AT ALL.

Like many of us, I know I’ve been deeply affected by these last three, strange years in our world. But, I’m still figuring out exactly HOW … and how much … and how that affects the way I show up in my professional, social and family life.

The problem?

As someone who has always aimed to show up with authenticity as my best accessory — how do I do that when I don’t know what “authentic” is to me anymore?

My answer so far has been to simply “move on” as my old self until I figure out who the “new” me is.  But it’s hard to deny the disconnect that creates not just within myself but also with those around me as I watch them interact with me as they’ve always known me, while inside I know I’m trying to understand a new version of me.

And it’s never made me feel more uncomfortable.

I know this all means I’m evolving.

My goals for my business. My view of the world.  How I want to spend my free time and the people with whom I want to spend that time. My take on healthy boundaries (aka actually HAVING them). My passions.

It’s all changing and growing and adjusting — and seeming to do so at the same time, and that’s a lot for anyone.

My therapist calls this a time that’s OK to lean into.

I call it something of which I’m ready to be on the other side already.

But I know she’s right.

I know from the past that when things feel uncomfortable and I lean into them, sometimes they catch me with an opportunity to grow that wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t. I know sometimes this means something beautiful is waiting at the other end of the process.

Until then.

Maybe it’s OK to accept that discombobulation IS my authenticity right now.

Maybe it’s time to believe that when the world raises its red-lined hands to tell me I don’t have it quite right yet… it’s not judging me, it’s just reminding me there’s still some rewriting to do.

PHOTO: GOSSBOSS PHOTOGRAPHY

Brea Schmidt is a sought-after keynote speaker, social media influencer and consultant and Iris-Award-nominated writer who creates space for raw conversation about our approach to self care and mental health. You can check out her social media community The Thinking Branch on Facebook and Instagram or connect with her on LinkedIn.