Why the Haley-Roethlisberger Drama is the Non-Story of the Year

Approaching 30, it's time for Ben Roethlisberger to evolve as a quarterback, if not a person.

If we ever needed indisputable evidence that the shadow economy of sports entertainment has seeped too far into our collective craniums, the proof came last week during Hi-Gate.

For the uninitiated, highly intelligent people who chose to read a book or play with their children instead of lapping up this delirious Dove for Men soap opera (cue George Thorogood gee-tar twang): Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger and his new offensive coordinator, Todd Haley, did not introduce themselves to one another at Haley’s grand unveiling last week at Steelers HQ. Thus, a presumptive Cold War was born. Columnists hacked away. TV yokels cackled. Twitter was atwitter with talk of a power struggle.

It’s all gone too far, really. Somewhere along the line, after ESPN hinged our eyeballs to the circuits of its Kubrickian post-apocalyptic sportscape and before Doritos released its avant-garde 3-D commercial “Wiffle Bat to the Nuts, Buy Our Chips,” we officially crossed the plane into another dimension. Our overreaction to two grown millionaire men not saying hello to one another in the hallway is the watershed moment of our Brave New World. It’s Khrushchev slamming his shoe on the podium. As we rap our slippers against the TV dinner tray in disgust, we are now officially, unequivocally taking sports too seriously.

After years of tireless work, the Media Industrial Complex has finally turned the sport of Hank Stram and Jack Lambert and Bart Starr into The Real Housebros of the NFL. Every time I turn on NFL Network, I half expect to see Haley in the confessional room sporting blonde extensions and weeping about how devastated he was that Roethlisberger didn’t show up to his charity gala for canine dyslexia.


The original Real Housebro, T.O., pours his heart out in the confessional.

We do this with everything now. Like in matters of politics, economy and other grave national concerns, we obsess over the mind-numbing minutia of sound bytes and manufactured drama, because, really, who wants to sort out the tough questions? What’s a trillion dollar deficit compared to the public glee of Mitt Romney’s “Happy Days” gaffe? The coal-fired social media machine needs its sooty fuel.

Make no mistake, the Steelers have very real strategic concerns going into the 2012 season and beyond which have little to do with the interpersonal relationship of HaleyBerger. Those who worry that the frosty reception will be a long-term distraction need only to look a year into the past. The circus resulting from sexual assault charges and an ensuing suspension didn’t keep Roethlisberger from reaching the Super Bowl.

The truth — the one that we try to spit-shine into submission on Sunday morning pregame shows with soft-lit interviews and puff profiles — the truth everlasting is that, within the confines of sport, you can be both an unbridled asshole and an undeniable winner. I believe this is also called “Wall Street.”

We like to make a big deal out of personal drama because it makes the incomprehensible math of the NFL a little bit more palatable. But the Steelers won a Super Bowl in 2005 when their defensive leader, Joey Porter, wouldn’t have followed Roethlisberger on Twitter, let alone to war. Back then, Roethlisberger barely spoke to anyone outside his small circle, and it didn’t matter, because he was uncommonly good at extending plays and throwing from outside the pocket.

In order to grow as a quarterback, Roethlisberger needs a boss, not a buddy.


And he will get a boss (cue Rick Ross grunt).

Despite the manufactured drama, Haley was brought in to help Roethlisberger extend his career. The two-time Super Bowl winner will only be 30 by the start of training camp, but he has absorbed the punishment of a typical 35-year-old quarterback over the course of eight seasons spent running for his life behind patchwork offensive lines. Consider this: Roethlisberger's peers in the 2004 NFL Draft, Eli Manning and Phil Rivers, have been sacked a total of 194 and 171 times respectively over their careers. Roethlisberger has endured 314 sacks.

Haley wants to keep Roethlisberger in the pocket, where he will ward off pressure with short, efficient strikes instead of his usual madcap escapes to the sidelines.

As Roethlisberger enters his career’s final act, it’s a savvy tactical decision. While he made little effort to hide his frustration over Haley’s plans to give the offense a “clean slate,” Roethlisberger is only getting older. He needs to ask himself how he wants his 30s to play out. If the Steelers have had one fatal, recurring flaw that has undermined their supremely talented teams in the post-Cowher era, it’s predictability on offense.

What matters is not the forest — the overall percentage of runs and passes in a season (also known as the gradual disappearance of Smash Mouth Football). What truly matters are the trees — the crucial plays late in games when the Steelers offense has relied too heavily on old tricks (the bubble screens that opponents could see coming from the break of the huddle, the drive-killing second-and-long-shotgun draws that go nowhere). Too often, the Steelers offense lacked the rhythm and inertia of the high-percentage offenses that they were forced to watch in the Super Bowl.

Last season, the Steelers were an old team based on old ideas. That only works for so long. In today’s NFL, success is all about evolution (just don’t tell Tebow). Roethlisberger doesn’t have to like Haley, but if he wants to be healthy at 35, he needs to adopt his offense.

We think these guys will be around forever. The narrative makes them seem invincible (and for good reason; these Norse Gods do sell us low-financed flat screens and car insurance, after all). But Roethlisberger needs only to look across the league at Peyton Manning, or across his own city at Sidney Crosby, to see that no one is invincible. Hi-Gate is more proof that these yoked up super-jocks are far too old for personal growth, but luckily it’s not too late for Roethlisberger to grow professionally.

With Eli’s Super Bowl win, he now has some extra motivation — a legacy to protect. Brady’s career is fading and he knows it, Manning’s is ending and he doesn’t know it, and the new era needs a champion.

Plus, I can’t wait until these guys finally get together and re-enact the ultimate manshake from Predator. Talk about a power struggle.

Edit Module

Edit ModuleShow Tags

Hot Reads

Top 10 Things to Do in Pittsburgh in June

Top 10 Things to Do in Pittsburgh in June

This month's best bets in the ’Burgh.
Sunrise, Sunset: Pittsburgh Playhouse's Second Act

Sunrise, Sunset: Pittsburgh Playhouse's Second Act

The curtain is closing this month on the historical Pittsburgh Playhouse in Oakland, but it will rise again when Point Park University this fall unveils its new theater Downtown, a space with a history of its own.
A Matter of Pride: Delta Foundation's Struggles with Success

A Matter of Pride: Delta Foundation's Struggles with Success

Within the span of 10 years, the Delta Foundation of Pittsburgh has brought the city’s annual Pride festival to previously unimaginable heights. That growth, however, has left some members of the community behind — and unhappy.
Best Restaurants 2018

Best Restaurants 2018

This year we recommend 40 establishments as our region's top restaurants.For the second year in a row, we categorize the restaurants in All-Arounders, Killer Casual, Fancy Night Out and Classic Pittsburgh to help you find whatever suits your mood.
Edit ModuleShow Tags Edit ModuleShow Tags
Edit ModuleShow Tags


Electric Scooter Rideshare Launching in Pittsburgh

Electric Scooter Rideshare Launching in Pittsburgh

Scoobi will offer an eco-friendly alternative to cars and a speedier alternative to bikes beginning in June

Comments

Is Kennywood's Phantom’s Revenge Best Coaster in USA?

Is Kennywood's Phantom’s Revenge Best Coaster in USA?

The fastest amusement park ride in Pennsylvania is currently in the running for best roller coaster — and it’s gained plenty of speed.

Comments


All the foodie news that's fit to blog
Lorelei Will Open in the Former Livermore/Pines Space

Lorelei Will Open in the Former Livermore/Pines Space

The owners of Independent Brewing Company and Hidden Harbor plan to bring a beer hall and cafe to East Liberty.

Comments

An Inclusive Community Breaks the Ramadan Fast at Salem's Market & Grill

An Inclusive Community Breaks the Ramadan Fast at Salem's Market & Grill

The Strip District restaurant draws a diverse community to its nightly ifṭār buffet.

Comments


Not just good stuff. Great stuff.
Best Places to Introduce Children to the Performing Arts

Best Places to Introduce Children to the Performing Arts

When you see a show at one of these organizations, you may enjoy it as much as the children.

Comments

The 4 Best Sports to Try This Spring in Pittsburgh

The 4 Best Sports to Try This Spring in Pittsburgh

Looking to switch up your physical activity now that it finally feels like spring? We found four sports you can play locally that you may never have considered.

Comments


Highmark Stadium Struggles To Accommodate Music Fans

Highmark Stadium Struggles To Accommodate Music Fans

The Station Square venue could be a good place to see a concert. It's not there yet.

Comments

Take a Tricky Trip To Mars at Escape Room 51

Take a Tricky Trip To Mars at Escape Room 51

The new escape room in Pleasant Hills is a great game for newer players.

Comments


Mike Prisuta's Sports Section

A weekly look at the games people are playing and the people who are playing them.
Here We Go? Steelers Have More Than a New England Issue This Time

Here We Go? Steelers Have More Than a New England Issue This Time

At this time last year the Steelers perceived themselves, and rightfully so, as a team that was a mere win over the Patriots away from returning to the Super Bowl. This year, the focus is elsewhere.

Comments

Surprising Pirates Proving to be an Acquired Taste This Season

Surprising Pirates Proving to be an Acquired Taste This Season

For the time being, at least, fans continue to send owner Bob Nutting a message wrapped in apathy.

Comments


The movies that are playing in Pittsburgh –– and, more importantly, whether or not they're worth your time.
The 400-Word Review: Solo: A Star Wars Story

The 400-Word Review: Solo: A Star Wars Story

The Star Wars series experiments with telling an origin story, with mixed results.

Comments

The 400-Word Review: Pope Francis: A Man of His Word

The 400-Word Review: Pope Francis: A Man of His Word

The careful documentary is a valuable document of the pontiff's philosophy. As a film, there are issues.

Comments


Everything you need to know about getting married in Pittsburgh today.
Wine Classes Keep the Pre-Wedding Celebration Classy

Wine Classes Keep the Pre-Wedding Celebration Classy

Palate Partners School of Wine & Spirits offers a chance for brides- and grooms-to-be to explore libations before (or instead of) a night on the town.

Comments

He Recovers from Stroke to Officiate Granddaughter's Wedding

He Recovers from Stroke to Officiate Granddaughter's Wedding

It was always Ashley Watkins’ dream to have her grandfather perform her wedding ceremony — but a serious illness almost got in the way.

Comments


Weekly inspiration for your home from the editors of Pittsburgh Magazine
From Milan to Pittsburgh: These are the Kitchen Concepts of the Future

From Milan to Pittsburgh: These are the Kitchen Concepts of the Future

Local interior designer Lauren Levant traveled to Italy for the influential Salon del Mobile show featuring the latest innovations in the furniture and design industry. With an emphasis on quality over quantity, these are the kitchen concepts she says will be making their way stateside.

Comments

Get Creative: Pittsburgh Podcast Inspires 'Girl Bosses'

Get Creative: Pittsburgh Podcast Inspires 'Girl Bosses'

Thinking about starting a creative business but don't know where to start? From photography to interior design, Gamechangers, the new podcast from local textile designer Savannah Hayes, gives a behind-the-scenes look at the design industry from the female perspective.

Comments

Edit ModuleEdit ModuleShow Tags