My Pittsburgh Resolutions

It’s 2011, and for the first time in my life, I set resolutions.

By Virginia Montanez

I set a resolution to not let dirty dishes sit in the sink until they grow lips and start talking bad about me.

I set a resolution to eat healthier than I had been. Considering I was eating enough junk food to sustain a medium-sized zoo animal, this resolution shouldn’t be too hard to keep. Unless I’m accosted by a Snickers bar in a back alley. Then I’ll have no choice but to inhale the thing and all its friends in self-defense.

I also set some resolutions for myself relating to the city of Pittsburgh.

1. I resolve to read more about local politics and not do what I’ve been doing as of late, which is see a headline, dry heave, shoot tequila and burn the newspaper.

2. I resolve to eat at the Franktuary because I am embarrassed to admit, I’ve never been there. Keeping in mind my resolution to eat healthier, I hope they have turkey hot dogs. I guess if I had no choice, I could eat a fattening beef hot dog … in self-defense of course.

3. I resolve to test out the closed-captioning service available on two screens at the Waterfront Loews movie theater. Pittsburgh establishments make an effort to accommodate people like me, so I should take advantage of that and stop waiting for movies to come to DVD.

4. I resolve to finally visit the Mr. Rogers statue.

5. I resolve to stop being afraid and take my kids on the Ducky Tour already. I can’t help it. Boats, even cute boats that turn into buses, scare the heck out of me. Two words: rogue wave. What then?

6. I resolve to be more patient with the Pittsburgh traffic. Not that I’m one of those raging lunatics that sits in a car parked in traffic on Grant Street and bangs her fists violently against the steering wheel. Much. I’m going to tell myself that sitting in traffic on construction cone-dotted streets is better than zipping easily through a ghost town. I’m going to count to ten. Inhale. Exhale. We’ll get there when we get there. We’re all in this together.

Unless some jerk blocks the grid.

Then it’s on like Donkey Kong.