Edit ModuleEdit ModuleShow Tags
Edit ModuleShow Tags

PittGirl to Wooers: ‘Not Today Satan, Not Today’

It only takes one person, one jagoff, one childish, attention-seeking, discourteous jerk to send a woo through PNC Park.



There are certain sounds the human eardrum would reject with a roundhouse kick if it only had the wee legs to do so.

Nails on a chalkboard.

The distant sound of your kid puking in his bed.

The disgusting phonology of the words “moist” and “phlegm.”

Still, I’d rather hear my kid scraping his nails on a chalkboard while night-puking and screaming “moist phlegm” at the top of his lungs than hear one single “woo!” reverberate through PNC Park.

The damned woo.

Borne of Mephistopheles in the white-hot sulfuric flames of Beelzebub’s hell, the woo was popularized by beloved professional wrestler “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair. If you’re not a wrestling fan but you’ve watched a baseball game at (or simply televised from) PNC Park, you’ve heard the woo. The course it took to PNC Park is unclear, having originated at live wrestling events and then popping up elsewhere — probably next at Pittsburgh Penguins games, where it mostly has vanished — in the early 2010s. However it arrived, it’s become inescapable.

It comes not at the height of game action. Not during applause, cheering or any other time fans exhort their team. No, the woo lurks like a slithering demon-serpent. Waiting. Festering like the audiological pimple it is — until the park goes quiet.

Until there is a lull.

Until there is a beautiful moment of serenity while a pitcher warms up or as a batter takes a few practice swings before entering the box.

Then, with its invasiveness ensured, it erupts and disturbs the calm quiet of our beloved pastime.

Woo! Woooooo!

It only takes one person, one jagoff, one childish, attention-seeking, discourteous jerk to send a woo through the park. It’s unleashed at a frequency that cannot be ignored. It blasts through your eardrums and starts punching your brain.

If you’re watching the game at home, the woo drowns out the sound of the televised commentators. It makes your dog lose his mind with frantic barks, as if to say, “WHAT HOLY HELL HAVE YOU UNLEASHED?! I WILL PEE ON EVERYTHING YOU LOVE.” You’re forced to watch the game on mute. Even the radio broadcast is invaded by the woo.

Wooers say, “I’m just cheering for my team! Being a fan! Go watch golf if you want quiet.”

Please allow me a moment to unload all of the crap you just loaded onto the truth wagon.

You aren’t cheering for your team. If you were, you would be applauding and hollering during the good, along with the rest of the stadium. You would be groaning and booing with the bad. Wooing during lulls in the game is a grab at attention. You aren’t saying, “I love this team and that play was AMAZING!” You are saying, “Hey! Look at me! Listen to how annoying a sound I can make! It’s all about me! WOO!” You are no different from a toddler screaming “POOP!” while cart-riding in Target.

Baseball isn’t meant to be quiet. In fact, PNC Park has become one of the loudest places in which I have ever watched a sporting event. The famed Cueto chant was so loud I nearly passed out at the game. It was a thing of beauty. It was about the team. It was about the fans joining together to make an impact. It wasn’t about one person.

Wooing is all about you — and whatever element is missing from your life that you can only try to fill via the attention gained from basically farting into a bullhorn.

We are Roberto’s city. His sport should be respected here. The players and fans should be respected. It should be about the greater good. It should be about a city coming together with a common bond afforded to us by this beautiful game.

It should never be all about you. Nor should it be about your ability to annoy as many people as you can simply because you bought a ticket and a few beers and possess the desire to unleash a modern-day Tarzan call to show us what a virile man you are.

I’m using the term “man” loosely. Roberto was a man; you are a selfish attention-suck.

So what shall we, the non-wooers, do? I’ll tell you. You rip this page out of the magazine or print it out. Fold it up and tuck it into your pocket before heading to the game. Then when you encounter a wooer, you spend an inning evil-eyeing that demon. Wait until he heads for the concession stand.

Get to him.

Smile.

Hand him this column.

And before you walk away, say, “Not today, Satan. Not today.”  
 

 

Edit ModuleShow Tags
Edit Module

Edit ModuleShow TagsEdit ModuleShow Tags
Edit Module Edit ModuleShow Tags

The Latest

Mobile Service To Connect Hungry Pitt Students to Free Food

PittGrub app will send folks in need to events with leftovers.

What's It Like When You Go from Laborer to Being The Boss?

Pitt's Institute for Entrepreneurial Excellence has been teaching business strategies to startups and century-old companies for 25 years.

The 400-Word Review: The Equalizer 2

An unnecessary sequel to the Denzel Washington action flick arrives for a quick beat-em-up fix.

The 400-Word Review: Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again

The sequel to the 2008 ABBA musical is far from perfect, but might have enough charm to keep you on board.

You're Going to Be Upside Down a Lot on New Kennywood Coaster

Kennywood has revealed its replacement ride for “The Log Jammer” which will be located in a new portion of the park entitled “Steelers Country.”

Restaurant Review: Poulet Bleu

Richard DeShantz steps it up with a move from Downtown to Lawrenceville and shows Pittsburgh how to make French dining fun.

Pittsburgh to Host Nation’s First Black Beer Festival

Day Bracey and Ed Bailey of Drinking Partners Podcast and Mike Potter of Black Brew Culture online magazine will bring 12 black-owned breweries to Pittsburgh in August for Fresh Fest.

Coming Clean: Why We Aren't a Green City ... Yet

Pittsburgh is no longer a smoky city, but that doesn’t mean it has cleaned up its act. Pittsburgh's air quality still ranks among the worst in the nation. What steps are being taken to reduce Pittsburgh's ongoing dependence on fossil fuels?

Ultimate Comfort Food: The Joy of Dumplings

Why our dining critic thinks dumplings might be his ultimate comfort food.

Our Seven Favorite Dumplings in Pittsburgh

Pittsburgh, of course, is best known for the pierogi. Our love of dumplings extends beyond that, however. These seven dumplings are our favorite restaurant versions of their various styles.

The Tailor's Dumpling: Kreplach

A Pittsburgh chef and his family continue to craft a family recipe with roots in Poland.

The Pittsburgh Region's Top Dentists 2018

Our annual list, which contains 376 dentists across 11 specialties, as determined by topDENTISTS.

A Weekend Mission of Mercy in Pittsburgh

More than a thousand people come to PPG Paints Arena once a year for free dental care, thanks to an ambitious, all-volunteer effort.

Jump Into the River: Open Waters Beckons Strong Swimmers

It takes a strong swimmer and the right timing to dive into the three rivers. for those up to it, the difference between the pool and open water is profound.

Pirates Are Still a Long Way From a Hollywood Ending

Despite an 8-1 winning streak going into the All-Star break, the Bucs are in desperate need of a sequel, not only to win back some credibility with fans, but also to convince their owner not to sell off more pieces of the team.
Edit Module
Edit ModuleShow Tags


Mobile Service To Connect Hungry Pitt Students to Free Food

Mobile Service To Connect Hungry Pitt Students to Free Food

PittGrub app will send folks in need to events with leftovers.

Comments

You're Going to Be Upside Down a Lot on New Kennywood Coaster

You're Going to Be Upside Down a Lot on New Kennywood Coaster

Kennywood has revealed its replacement ride for “The Log Jammer” which will be located in a new portion of the park entitled “Steelers Country.”

Comments


All the foodie news that's fit to blog
Pittsburgh to Host Nation’s First Black Beer Festival

Pittsburgh to Host Nation’s First Black Beer Festival

Day Bracey and Ed Bailey of Drinking Partners Podcast and Mike Potter of Black Brew Culture online magazine will bring 12 black-owned breweries to Pittsburgh in August for Fresh Fest.

Comments

A Pop-Up Bar in Pittsburgh that Serves a Sober Alternative

A Pop-Up Bar in Pittsburgh that Serves a Sober Alternative

Empath provides the vibe and social space of a bar, as well as stepped up beverage service ... without the alcohol.

Comments


Not just good stuff. Great stuff.
The Eight Best Frozen Treats in Pittsburgh

The Eight Best Frozen Treats in Pittsburgh

Our dining critic picks his favorite ice cream, ice pop, frozen custard, vegan delight and more.

Comments

Six Underrated Kennywood Rides You Need to Try Again

Six Underrated Kennywood Rides You Need to Try Again

Leave enough time in your next visit to Kennywood to revisit some old favorites and these underrated gems.

Comments


National Aviary's New Renovations Make it Essential Pittsburgh

National Aviary's New Renovations Make it Essential Pittsburgh

It's time to add the National Aviary to the list of local favorites you visit again and again.

Comments

Stop Using Uber and Lyft, Renting a Bike is Better

Stop Using Uber and Lyft, Renting a Bike is Better

You'll save money and have an easier time hopping between neighborhoods on a Healthy Ride bicycle.

Comments


Mike Prisuta's Sports Section

A weekly look at the games people are playing and the people who are playing them.
Pirates Are Still a Long Way From a Hollywood Ending

Pirates Are Still a Long Way From a Hollywood Ending

Despite an 8-1 winning streak going into the All-Star break, the Bucs are in desperate need of a sequel, not only to win back some credibility with fans, but also to convince their owner not to sell off more pieces of the team.

Comments

Compelling World Cup Worth a Periodic Embrace

Compelling World Cup Worth a Periodic Embrace

The competition is as fierce as the fans are passionate and both can be appreciated without a firm grasp of the details.

Comments


The movies that are playing in Pittsburgh –– and, more importantly, whether or not they're worth your time.
The 400-Word Review: The Equalizer 2

The 400-Word Review: The Equalizer 2

An unnecessary sequel to the Denzel Washington action flick arrives for a quick beat-em-up fix.

Comments

The 400-Word Review: Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again

The 400-Word Review: Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again

The sequel to the 2008 ABBA musical is far from perfect, but might have enough charm to keep you on board.

Comments


Everything you need to know about getting married in Pittsburgh today.
Perfect Proposals that Flashed Back to First Dates

Perfect Proposals that Flashed Back to First Dates

Return to your roots before your relationship blooms into a beautiful marriage.

Comments

I Do, Now Let’s Have Some BBQ

I Do, Now Let’s Have Some BBQ

A five-course meal doesn’t fit with every wedding. These laid-back couples opted for casual — and delicious — cuisine perfect for their outdoor and barn receptions.

Comments


Weekly inspiration for your home from the editors of Pittsburgh Magazine
Wow Factor: Empty Nest Inspires Timeless Makeover

Wow Factor: Empty Nest Inspires Timeless Makeover

When her last child graduated from college, Ingrid Meenen did something she had been wanting to do for 20 years — renovate the first floor of her Upper St. Clair home.

Comments

Head to the North Hills for Two Blooming Garden Tours

Head to the North Hills for Two Blooming Garden Tours

The Wexford Garden and Pond Tour and the Southern Butler County Garden Club tour both take place this weekend.

Comments