Karma Boomerang



Illustration by Patrick Neil

As you read this, I hope Pittsburgh is in the early stages of colorful, cheerful bloom. I hope the grass is a bit more emerald green and less grayish green with every April day that passes. I hope the sun peeks through the storm clouds long enough to thaw your face. I hope you’ve packed up your snow pants and your hats and scarves and placed them high up on a shelf you won’t need to reach until November.

As you read this, I hope the mid-afternoon air holds a hint of warm promise. I hope the leaves are stretching, the tulips unfolding, the birds returning. I hope open-toed shoes are not completely out of the realm of possibility.

As I write this, I am picking splinters out of my backside, left there by the cruel, wooden sting of the justice-serving Karma Boomerang.

As I write this, winter is raging and whirling furiously around me, laughing hysterically at the column I wrote in November—the column in which I talked about how much I love winter and how much my mother hates it and how she gets all, “WHY, GOD, WHY?!” each February, and isn’t she so comical and [point and laugh].

As I write this, I am staring out of my living room window, peering into the driving, relentless curtain of snow that is waving outside. As I write this, I am banging my head on that window and pummeling it with double-fisted anger, railing against another 6 inches of snow falling on top of the 2 1/2 feet already on the ground, and I’m begging on high, “WHY, GOD, WHY?!”

As I write this, I have been snowbound with a 7-year-old and a 3-year-old for six days. In case you didn’t know, six days of being stuck at home will result in punchy children, metaphorically and literally. By day No. 3, they had taken to staging wrestling matches in the living room. By day No. 4, I’d watched enough SpongeBob SquarePants to know who won the battle of land creatures versus ocean creatures because I had watched that episode twice. By day No. 5, my toddler invented a fun game called “How Many Eggs Can I Throw in the Kitchen Before Mommy Finds Out?” The answer is three. Three eggs. By day No. 6, they were playing baseball in the house by throwing action figures into the air and slamming them against the walls with a plastic bat.

Karma. It really is a boomerang. Whatever you throw out there into the world, it will eventually whip back around and head straight for your backside. I made fun of my mother’s hatred of winter. I made fun of people who whine about the snow and the cold. I said, “Hey, this is Pittsburgh. We have weather here. Deal with it or move.”

I’m not saying I’m completely to blame for the winter of 2010. I’m saying I’m MOSTLY to blame for it. I threw the Karma Boomerang out into the cool, blue October sky, carrying words like “sissies” and “wuss” and “if you can’t take the cold, get out of the freezer.” The Karma Boomerang returned to me in February, through snowy, gray skies, carrying words like “boo-yah!” and “tsk” and “you really ought to know better, PittGirl.”

As I write this, the news is warning me that a real, live blizzard is heading my way and that it is scientifically a blizzard event because the winds will be strong enough to rip the mascara from my eyelashes. As I write this, my street is impassable, and I’ve been out of wine for two days, and I’m seriously thinking about dialing the city’s 311 line to see if they can rectify that emergency. “No, YOU don’t understand, sir. My children are playing hacky-sack with the dog, and I AM OUT OF WINE!”

As I write this, I am pledging to never again make fun of people who hate the Pittsburgh winters. I am pledging that the next time my mother calls me all, “I hate winter,” instead of telling her to put her big girl panties on, I will say, “Amen!” I am pledging to respect the ability of relentless snow to bring me to my knees.

As you read this, I hope the winter of 2010 is a distant, foggy memory frozen in the past. As you read this, I hope you forgive me for what I wrought with my careless handling of the Karma Boomerang.

As I write this, my son just rode his sled down the stairs.

What’s the number to 311?

Edit ModuleShow Tags
Edit Module
Edit Module

Edit ModuleShow Tags
Edit Module Edit ModuleShow Tags

On the Blogs


See the Video Pittsburgh Hopes Will Lure Amazon's HQ2

See the Video Pittsburgh Hopes Will Lure Amazon's HQ2

The video is part of the city's effort to snag Amazon's second headquarters, which is expected to bring 50,000 jobs and $5 billion in investment..

Comments


All the foodie news that's fit to blog
Parts & Service Adds Pizza To Superior Motors

Parts & Service Adds Pizza To Superior Motors

Executive Chef Kevin Sousa and Pastry Chef Kate Carney are cooking sourdough pizza in an outdoor brick oven.

Comments


Not just good stuff. Great stuff.
The 5 Best Underrated Fountains in Pittsburgh

The 5 Best Underrated Fountains in Pittsburgh

While we all know and love the grandeur of the fountain at Point State Park, there are many hidden fountain gems throughout the city. These are a few of our lesser-known favorites.

Comments


A Mysterious (But Messy) Night at the Museum with DODO

A Mysterious (But Messy) Night at the Museum with DODO

A review of "DODO," the immersive-theater production currently taking place at the Carnegie Museums by Bricolage Production Company.

Comments


Mike Prisuta's Sports Section

A weekly look at the games people are playing and the people who are playing them.
It's What Steelers Do After Kansas City That Matters

It's What Steelers Do After Kansas City That Matters

The team is more than capable of beating the Bengals Sunday, but are they willing to keep their eye on the ball long enough to begin stacking victories again for a change?

Comments


Style. Design. Goods. Hide your credit card.
#Gottahaveit: Take It To the Hoop

#Gottahaveit: Take It To the Hoop

Robert Hallett, Goldsmith, handcrafts the jewelry in his Oakmont shop.

Comments


The movies that are playing in Pittsburgh –– and, more importantly, whether or not they're worth your time.
Firefighter Flick Only the Brave is a Moving Tribute

Firefighter Flick Only the Brave is a Moving Tribute

Reviews of "Only the Brave" and "The Florida Project," plus local movie news and notes.

Comments


Everything you need to know about getting married in Pittsburgh today.
The Pick of the Patch: Pumpkin-Themed Proposals

The Pick of the Patch: Pumpkin-Themed Proposals

In honor of fall, we’re showcasing three couples whose proposals involved one of the best things about the season: pumpkins.

Comments


Weekly inspiration for your home from the editors of Pittsburgh Magazine
Holiday How-To: Upgrade Your Fall Decor with Advice from Local Experts

Holiday How-To: Upgrade Your Fall Decor with Advice from Local Experts

Interior designers share their tips on creating easy, elegant décor that will take you from Halloween through Thanksgiving.

Comments


The hottest topics in higher education
Tuition Increases at the University of Pittsburgh

Tuition Increases at the University of Pittsburgh

School trustees voted this week to increase tuition for in-state and out-of-state students.

Comments

Edit Module

Edit Module