Don't Worry, Be Happy!
In light of their 17th road loss in a row, a 9-31 road record, 25 games from .500 ball, the next to the worst record in all of major league baseball ...
Wait. I need to catch my breath at those staggeringly awful numbers. My brain is having trouble computing that much suck -- suck unseen since, well, let see when:
- June 28, 2009: The Pirates were five games from .500 ball.
- June 28, 2008: The Pirates were four games from .500 ball.
- June 28, 2007: The Pirates were twelve games from .500 ball.
- June 28, 2006: The Pirates were twenty-seven games from. 500 ball.
We have a winner! Suck unseen since June 28, 2006.
So, as I was saying, let's talk about The Suckitude. I no longer have to say Buccos of Suckitude because they have performed so horribly as of late that they've transcended the need for the first and last names and have joined the lofty ranks of Cher. Madonna. Lassie. The Suckitude.
This is an article snippet from The Onion:
Pirates Sign Guy Who Successfully Jogged Across Street
June 26, 2010
PITTSBURGH—The Pittsburgh Pirates signed Greensburg, PA, resident Clark Goldwater Monday after a team scout witnessed the 36-year-old fan run across a street near PNC Park, hand a set of keys to a friend, and maintain a steady clip on his way back to the parking lot to continue tailgating. "We've been looking for a guy with this kind of ability for a long time," said Pirates manager John Russell, adding that Goldwater will start in left field for the Triple-A Indianapolis Indians Thursday.
This, unfortunately, is not an Onion article snippet:
After news broke [of the contract extensions for Russell and Huntington] Coonelly and owner Bob Nutting acknowledged the situation should have been handled differently.
"If we ever decide a change is needed, we're gonna make a change. I know everybody likes to know the minute details of the business. But that's not something that you as a fan should worry about, because it will not affect the way we do business — putting a team on the field in Pittsburgh that can help turn this franchise around."
You hear that, fans?
Don't worry about it! Put on your rose-colored glasses! Skip to my lou, my darlings! The clandestine renewal of contracts for the general manager and the manager in the off-season, one year before their contracts were up, is just a "minute detail of the business" and it shouldn't concern you as a ticket-buying fan.
Whew. Feels good to lay that heavy baggage down. Darn thing was so heavy, you'd think there was 17 miserable years of losing stuffed in there.
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Humor columnist Virginia Montanez delivers weekly posts on politics, pigeons and all things Pittsburgh via Pittsburgh magazine and her personal blog, 
Reader Comments:
Scumbag Bob Nutting quickly figured out that bobble-head dolls and fireworks are a lot cheaper than talent.
Ginny,
Just wondering your thoughts on Ian Snell admitting to serious depression thoughts of suicide while in Pittsburgh. To me, that's the most interesting (and heartbreaking) bit of Pirates news that I have read in years, because it hints at just how bad the moral was/is in the locker room.
It's rough being a fan of this team, but it can't possibly compare to being a player. Yes, these guys make millions, but you can't put a price on happiness, and with all the negative energy surrounding the club, you have to wonder if it will ever change.
SeanCon
It's hard to be a Pirates Fan right now.
I grew up in Pittsburgh in the 70's when they were winners.
Where is the outrage Pittsburgher's??
Enough is Enough!
Bring a winning team back to the "Burgh"... :-(